I was talking to a client yesterday who kept circling back to the grief of not being able to get back to the Self she was six years ago, when her body was small and external validation was plentiful.
It seemed easier then. At least, from a distance. She remembered the effort it took to plan meals, which sometimes included bringing her own food to parties or restaurants. Still, she thrived on the thrill.
But now her body isn't cooperating. The things that "worked" then are unsustainable now, ending up in eating fests that leave her feeling more and more like a failure.
The comparison of our current self to our former self is perhaps the most painful, because we know we can do it. It's not such a reach, is it? To expect that we can fulfill the potential we once filled.
I see this all the time; and I myself have felt it, too.
But what we are not factoring in is CONTEXT.
The self of yesteryear was not, in fact, the same self we are dealing with today. That self may have had the privilege of a body not yet activated into rebellion against hunger; or a life with less responsibility, more time and energy, less trauma response.
That life context is sustainable for a time, but is actually winding itself up to break the threshold of capacity.
At some point the body says NO MORE -- WE HAVE GONE TOO FAR, TOO LONG.
And the flip switches.
We keep trying to switch it back, but you cannot will your way back to calm when the body feels threatened for too long.
The context changes -- the self from before was living in different conditions than the self of today.
We change. Our lives change, our capacity changes, our mentality changes, our body changes. Comparison is moot. It is not a failure, it is a shift. And as with all comparison, we must focus on who we are NOW instead of pining for a past that no longer exists.
What once was true may be no longer. That is not evidence of failure but of change.
