Three Years Into Recovery…

Five years ago, I dreamed of being in this position.

To simply not be bingeing.

To be free with food.

To be “normal.”

Lately, I’ve noticed that the position I am in now is allowing me a lot of “do-overs,” meaning that I get to consider things like nutrition, meal structure, and mindfulness from a clean slate, without the entanglement of diet or wellness culture.

But I remember trying this earlier in my recovery and it felt less available.

A part of me would panic when I thought about food with intentionality — like touching a hot stove, my instincts would flinch in reaction.

Don’t go there! It would warn. We don’t like that.

My logic would intervene, but my body suggested warning.

I think there is diet culture residue that stays in us for a long time after the eating patterns stabilize.

I think this shows up in overeating sometimes.

I’ve noticed that my inclination is to eat more than I want or need because I’d rather err on the side of too much than too little. And I still would err on the side of too much over too little. But I’ve been noticing a greater ability to fine tune boundaries with emotional and scarcity eating without my body feeling nervous. It feels like I’ve been able to access what the true definition of mindfulness with food really is, as though that conversation has opened up further.

Here are some ways that I was able to tell that my body felt ready for further attunement (ie. mindful eating, boundaries of emotional eating, nutrition):

1. My body stays at the same level state when the inner conversation comes up. There is no escalation of anxiety or internal questioning. It just seems like a natural, non-emotionally-charged topic.

2. I eat enough food every single day. My body is fed on a regular basis and I do not feel deprived. Food feels stable.

3. My nervous system feels more regulated. I have more awareness over my states of overwhelm. My emotions have become more welcome and easier to notice in my body.

4. Time has passed. I have been friends with food for over three years and I can’t stress enough how the simple passage of time without restriction creates trust in the body.

I think it’s important to mention that I’m really not doing anything out of my way to become more mindful with food. If it felt like a “thing,” it might be a red flag. It’s more like: “I’m about to grab a handful of trail mix because it’s there and I’m used to doing it at this hour. I’m actually not hungry right now and would rather wait until lunch to eat.” And then, the end. I don’t feel like I’m “better” for having not eaten it, and I’d still be open to eating it if I wanted it. It’s just something I’m noticing happening on its own.

I really wrote this piece for all of the people (including my former self) who still yearn to get further in this process, who feel like there are still kinks to work out, and maybe pathologize them a little. I don’t think there is perfect eating (I still eat really fast, can’t work that one out yet) and sometimes we eat things just because they taste good even when we don’t really want them. But it seems like the longer we stand by, the more things work themselves through. This, to me, is how it grows. All we have to do is show up.