Parts Work, Family Triggers, and Diet Culture Talk

Every time I go home, I'm like: oh this time I'll be the most level headed version of myself. I really believe I've evolved past certain family dynamics...and then, within a few hours, I find myself right back in them. It’s like muscle memory. A single comment, a tone of voice, and suddenly my nervous system is twelve years old again.

This week, I’m visiting family in Florida, surrounded by celebration, lots of food, and reminders of who I used to be. These trips can stir it up.

If you’ve ever done work around food, body image, or self-regulation, you probably know how quickly old habits and roles can resurface. Someone speaks to your daughter about "chubby" and you can feel your body freak out like a pissed off 17-year old before you even knew what happened. 

Whoops.

Why Family Can Feel Like a Time Machine

Internal Family Systems (IFS), or parts work, gives us a useful way to understand what’s happening here. It’s not that you’ve regressed. It’s that certain parts of you — the ones that used to keep you safe — get triggered when you’re back in a familiar environment.

• The Rebel refuses to be controlled and quietly thinks, “Screw it, I’ll eat whatever I want.”

• The Pleaser keeps everyone comfortable, even if it means abandoning her own needs.

• The Victim collapses into defeat when old patterns start playing out again.

• The Educator tries to teach everyone about intuitive eating (even though no one asked).

Each of these parts developed for a reason. They protected you once -- but they just don’t always realize that you’ve changed.

The Parts That Can Help

While some parts get triggered, others can help you stay grounded:

• The Anthropologist observes instead of personalizing. She notices what’s happening — who interrupts who, who’s competing for attention — without getting pulled in.

• The Nervous System Whisperer tracks what’s happening in your body. She helps you breathe slower, feel your feet on the floor, and remember that you’re safe now.

• The Humorist adds levity when things get tense. Sometimes humor is what keeps connection alive and regulation intact.

• The Doer redirects energy into something physical — clearing plates, walking the dog, tidying up — anything that helps your system reset.

• The Grounded Adult knows she can love her family and still leave the room when she needs to.

These are the parts that balance out the chaos. They bring you back to yourself.

We Contain Multitudes

When we’re around family, we’re not one version of ourselves. We’re a collection of them — old, new, and in progress. The work isn’t to silence the messy ones. It’s to stay in relationship with them.

As Walt Whitman said, “I contain multitudes.”  The next time you feel yourself slipping into an old role at the dinner table, pause. Notice which part is showing up, and see if you can invite in one that steadies you.

🎙️ Listen to the Podcast Episode

This post is inspired by the latest episode of Full But Not Finished  — where I talk more about family dynamics, parts work, and how our relationship with food gets shaped in these moments.

Tune in wherever you get your podcasts, or listen directly on YouTube.